The Truth About Desire: What No One Tells You About Monogamy, Sex, and Freedom with Jolien Spoelstra

In this interview, Jo Sarah sits down with Jolien Spoelstra — healthcare psychologist, EMDR therapist, sexologist (NVVS), and relationship expert — to explore why sexual desire shifts in long-term relationships, how to reignite passion, and what it truly means to navigate monogamy and non-monogamy in modern love.

From unpacking why we stop wanting sex to questioning the very roots of monogamy, this conversation dives deep into love, freedom, and connection — with honesty, humor, and compassion.

“Fire needs air. Passion needs space.” - Jolien Spoelstra

When Sex Isn’t About Sex

Are sexual problems always just about sex, or is there something deeper happening?

Most of the time, it’s not just about sex. Sexual problems often have deeper emotional or psychological roots — like insecurities, self-criticism, control issues, or a lack of self-compassion. Relationships are systems; when something shifts in one person, it affects the other. Sex becomes a mirror for what’s happening beneath the surface.

The Three Factors That Shape Desire

When you notice the sex isn’t what it used to be, where do you start looking for answers?

I always look at three factors: biological, psychological, and sociological.

• Biological: hormones, pregnancy, menopause, medication, illness.

• Psychological: stress, trauma, anxiety, depression, insecurities.

• Sociological: what we were taught about sex, our values, and our relational patterns.

Within that last one lies the key question: are you too close or too far apart?

When there’s too little distance, there’s no tension — and no tension means no spark. When there’s too much distance, there’s no safety or emotional connection. Fire needs air. Passion needs space.

Reigniting Desire in Long-Term Love

How can couples reconnect when they’ve become too close or too distant?

If you’re too close, create space. Rebuild your individuality. Have your own friends, interests, and world. You can’t desire someone who’s an extension of you.

If you’re too distant, talk about it. Unspoken resentment kills connection faster than anything else. Relationship researcher John Gottman found that resentment is the best predictor of separation — it grows silently. Address it early, or it hardens into disconnection.

When One Wants More (and the Other Doesn’t)

Why does sexual desire fade in long-term relationships?

Because we expect sameness — that both partners should want sex equally and at the same time. But that’s never true. One partner will always have more or less desire. What matters is how you navigate that difference.

When the high-desire partner keeps initiating and the low-desire partner keeps saying no, tension builds. Eventually, even small gestures — a hand on the knee, a kiss, a text — disappear. The relationship enters what I call the “Ice Age”: no cues, no touch, no intimacy.

And here’s the secret ingredient: most women+ have responsive desire. That means desire arises after sexual or emotional cues, not before. If there are no cues — no touch, no playfulness, no connection — the desire never awakens.

The Myth of Spontaneous Sex

What’s one myth you’d love to debunk about sex and relationships?

That sex should be spontaneous — that if you have to plan it, it’s not real. It’s simply not true. It was never spontaneous to begin with!

When you first dated, you showered, dressed up, created atmosphere, texted all day — you planned for intimacy. So why do we expect it to “just happen” 10 years later when we’re exhausted and eating leftovers on the couch?

Sex isn’t about performance — it’s about intention. Schedule quality time where desire can arise naturally. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too — you still connected.

Monogamy, Non-Monogamy, and Human History

Let’s talk about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. Where did these concepts even come from?

Monogamy is actually quite new. For most of human history, we lived in small tribes without emotional or sexual exclusivity. Things changed about 10,000 years ago, during the agricultural revolution — when we settled, gained possessions, and wanted to know who would inherit them.

That’s when “paternity security” became important — knowing who the father was. So monogamy was born to control lineage, not out of love or morality.

Today, with birth control and more freedom, especially for women+, we finally have the choice to redefine relationships on our own terms. For some, that means monogamy. For others, ethical non-monogamy or polyamory.

Cheating vs. Consensual Non-Monogamy

What’s the difference between cheating and non-monogamy?

Cheating is breaking the boundaries — explicit or implicit — that you and your partner agreed on. Non-monogamy becomes ethical when there’s consent, communication, and honesty.

If it’s done behind someone’s back, it’s cheating. If it’s done with openness and respect, it’s exploration.

Community Question

“I’m interested in non-monogamy, but my partner would only consider it if I were with someone of a different gender. How can I make sure my desires are taken seriously?”

You can’t control whether someone takes your desires seriously — but you can take them seriously yourself. Often, this kind of limitation stems from insecurity: “If you’re with someone like me, they might do it better.”

Start by unpacking the fear beneath that boundary. Talk openly. Sometimes it’s insecurity; sometimes it’s fantasy. Either way, compassion and curiosity keep the conversation safe.

The Power of Self-Reflection

What should people know before exploring non-monogamy?

That it’s a journey. You won’t know what truly works for you until you experience it. Boundaries evolve. Emotions shift. The only constant is communication.

Successful non-monogamous relationships aren’t built on freedom alone — they’re built on emotional intelligence, reflection, and trust.

“I’m allowed to explore my desires and communicate my needs openly. My sexual desire is mine — and mine to own.”

About Jolien

Jolien Spoelstra is a healthcare psychologist, EMDR therapist, and certified sexologist (NVVS). She specializes in relationships, sexuality, and non-monogamy. Through therapy, writing, and public speaking, she helps individuals and couples rediscover intimacy, emotional safety, and sexual confidence in modern relationships.

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